Menstruation

I remember, there was a time that I can’t bear the cramps. I can’t study, I can’t walk, I can’t sleep.

But this boy come to me and said,

I wish I could feel your pain. I wish we could share it, so I won’t see you bear it all by yourself.

Well, I won’t share the cramps of menstruation. It sucks. He would collapse right when the blood covering his pants.

However, the thing is not the menstruation. But the pain which his woman had. And he offering himself to share.

 

I think I definitely marrying him someday. So we could share the happiness too.

Mas, thank you for trying your best for us all this half decade. We may hurting each other many times, but that was the perks of being in relationship. To grow up, to learn, to fight, to change, to feel, to be sick, to be happy,  to hate, to argue, to strengthen, to be stress, to speak, to listen, to be loved, and in the end… TO SHARE.

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Pernikahan

Terlalu lelah nih untuk nontonin rangkaian nikahannya Raffi Ahmad dan Nagita Slavina. Karena TV frekuensi publik kita didominasi dengan tayangan yang demikian, ya apa boleh buat… Semoga lain waktu TV konglomerat pengejar profit itu disadarkan akan bedanya ‘kepentingan publik’, ‘kebutuhan publik’, dan ‘keinginan publik’.

Anyway! Sejak SMP, gue selalu berpikir untuk menikah cepat ketika menemukan orang yang tepat dan berada pada usia 20. Dan sekarang di umur 21, gue berada dalam kondisi, ‘man…, nikah itu serem lho…” (ya! tapi gue ga termasuk dalam golongan ntar-ntaran mikirin kewong-an)

Hmm, bayangin kita harus stick sama satu orang sampai nanti-nanti-nanti. Membangun sebuah keluarga (which is menghidupi dari segi fisik, mental, rohani, kejiwaan, ekonomi, sebagainya… sebagainya…). Memiliki anak dari orang itu (who could be sooo sooo uneasy, annoying, spoiled, etc). Dan sejauh ini, gue orang yang menganggap kesereman itu ga se-serem itu juga. Tapi karena saya temenan sama Ranichop dan VithaLasca, saya jadi ngerti kenapa beberapa orang se-serem itu melihat pernikahan.

***

Vitha pernah ngomong gini ke gue, “Nin, gue selalu bingung kenapa ada orang yang bisa betah hidup lama-lama sama orang yang itu-itu aja. Ngejalanin rutinitas dengan si orang yang itu-itu aja setiap hari. Gue kagum banget lho.” Yak, lapuk banget emang keheranannya si Vitha. Gue yang tadinya nggak pernah mikirin, jadi ikut kepikiran. Kenapa ya gue bisa betah berada dalam sebuah hubungan selama 5 tahun dan sebuah rutinitas yang bisa jadi harus gue jalani 50-100 tahun ke depan? A routine of being stuck in love with someone.

Strangely, I had a reason.

***

Sore, tiga hari yang lalu, ketika gue pulang liputan naik kereta dari Stasiun Depok Baru, gue duduk di samping seorang perempuan yang kayaknya berusia menjelang akhir 20 tahun atau di awal 30 tahun. Semula terlihat seperti layaknya mba-mba biasa yang nyelip duduk di kursi penumpang yang sudah penuh. Sampai gue tidak sengaja melihat layar hp-nya. Mba ini sedang mengirimkan pesan kepada (well i called it) pacarnya.

Smg dgn keputusan ini… Kamu bisa lebih nyaman. Ternyata cinta tidak harus saling memiliki

Ya singkatnya begitu.

Gue manggut-manggut mungkin mba ini memang butuh duduk biar dia lebih tenang. I know that feeling. Lalu gue coba untuk tidur sampai kira-kira di Stasiun Pasar Minggu. Ketika melek… ya! Dengan tidak sengaja layar hp itu ada di depan mata gue lagi. Kali ini SMS-nya nyuruh si pacarnya untuk menjauh dan kembali ke istrinya. Mba ini kemudian mencoba menatap ke atap kereta sambil mengusap air matanya yang sudah jatuh.

Hmm…, gue jelas nggak tahu apa yang terjadi di balik semua itu. Tapi…, rasanya ini ganggu aja. Bukan pada letak bahwa si mba ini selingkuhan dan dia tahu itu, melainkan pada fakta bahwa kita bisa jatuh cinta kapan aja sama siapa aja. Bahkan ketika kita sudah menikah. Dan setelah itu menikah jadi sebuah jebakan dan cinta itu jadi sebuah keadaan pikiran antara ‘nyaman’ dan ‘tidak nyaman’. Lalu sejauh apa signifikansinya menjalin hubungan bertahun-tahun dan pernikahan?

***

Rani, dua hari yang lalu mengatakan ini ke gue dan Vitha. “Ini asumsi subyektif Rani ya, pernikahan itu fungsinya cuma satu. Fungsi reproduksi.” Kemudian dia ngejelasin secara historis mengenai hubungan pernikahan dan reproduksi yang pada akhirnya ia berpendapat, bahwa mempersatukan umat manusia dan menghalalkan cinta itu masuk dalam hal yang ga se-signifikan menghasilkan keturunan.

Well, then gue jadi mikir… Pernikahan itu literally sebuah institusi yang bisa jadi terpisah dari konsep abstrak bernama cinta. Sementara konsepsi cinta itu bisa jadi cuma keadaan pikiran, reaksi kimia, persepsi dalam otak yang berlangsung sepersekian detik namun bisa berulang berkali-kali pada objek yang sama (tentunya semua itu ada pemicunya, dan didahului sebuah sensasi ya -nak komunikasi banget nih pesannya!). Sementara pernikahan mengandung komitmen, tanggung jawab, hak, dan kewajiban; cinta berada pada kondisi bebas dari nilai apapun yang melekat.

Sampai pada titik itu, gue mulai ngerasa pernikahan itu sesuatu yang mengerikan. Bukan lagi karena apa gue bisa menghidupi dan membangun generasi dengan baik, tapi… apa pernikahan bisa dibangun dengan baik ada ataupun dengan tidak adanya cinta?

Biarpun kesannya cheesy banget… Gue sih nggak mau, hidup sampai ujung waktu dengan orang yang tidak bisa merasakan cinta lagi terhadap pasangan hidupnya.

Slippers Life

One of my friend wrote on blog about her experience while living in Japan. Her Okasan (mother) explained to her the way Japanese valued a slippers.

“When we leave home and go outside, we might experience a lot. We would get good things, bad things, or even dirt. Then, once we come back home, they might stay still in ourselves. But we can’t let them stay. Before we go inside our home, we have to filter and make sure that we are clean. Make sure that we  throw them away and put all the dirt outside”

I was really impressed but wasn’t applied in my everyday life. Until a week ago, my brother said something that brought on understanding of this slippers.

I was so tired and overloaded of work, too many things filled out my head. Then I ignored him every time he tried to ask a funny thing. I got angry and talked in high pitch. I know that he got surprise, a bad surprise. He said to me, “I always feel tired every night, but I never talk in high pitch. And I’m not get angry every time you disrupted my nap only for bring you to your office in the midnight. So, why did you have to act like that?” He slam the door afterwards.

I couldn’t sleep for an hour. I felt so horrible. We never had fuss for years. It was so unfair for him who never know what was going on me, to get that attitude. Instead of feeling relieved because no one would annoy me, I only adding some negative sphere on me. All the bad or dirt things which I should be left outside spread to others. I get upset, so does he.

It’s so right that we have to filter and make sure that we are ‘clean’. It’s not exactly throwing away a problem. Or something like escaping the truth. Actually, it’s a way to recharge our energy and refresh our mind. Cause it’s right, we are at home, the sanctuary, the place where people we love lived. And for me, home is a state of place for being loved. Home is a place to share or rest. Home is a place to turn bad to be good. Home is a place to feel alright even in the hardest day.

After that day, I always ‘take off my shoes’ and ‘put my slippers on’. I put a smile, share my thought, wipe my tears, ask for help, and try to entertain myself. It’s hard… Somehow it feels like I lie to myself. But when my mother weren’t getting angry, or my father could feel relieve to know what did her daughter done, or when my brother weren’t annoyed by me, it’s really a good thing. Simply like I could face all my problems. I could fix the unresolved. Or at least…, I could feel relax.

I don’t have to share or tell my problem. I only need to be positive. And it’s not always easy. It’s really really hard. But at least, we could communicate well.

So I tried to apply it on my campus life. I worked with two people. They easily get annoyed and so moody. Every second with them seems like a roller coaster. I know I get annoyed too. But I force myself to think positive. I put my slippers on. I threw away my worry and bad mood, I put a smile and told them, “Just do it!” Their mood didn’t change fast. But, they just do it… And I just face it. They put their slippers on. So we could fix the unresolved.

And today I put my slippers on… Even I shed a tear and feeling so bad, I still could relax. I made it clear to share to myself. I made it clear to see my mother felt happy when I got home. And now…, I have to make it clear that we have to put our slippers on. So every person whom we love not affected by the bad.

I would quote my friend, Aini. She wrote this on her blog (I thanked her for told it):

Let them be good places no matter how many times you go in and out. Everyday, make sure you filter your heart and throw the “dirt” away before you step on your home. Even when you want to share your pain and stuffs, do it properly & make them feel special and loved because you choose them to share with.

 

I hope everyone could put on slippers on our life. Every place, every person, everything could be our home.